Trying To Figure Your Shit Out While Being A Mom

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WARNING–> This is a personal post that I will get very passionate about, so you have been forewarned.

Anyway, hi everyone!  I hope you are having a great weekend so far.  For me, it has been a VERY busy past couple of months for me and my family, but it’s all in a good direction.  However, it has come to my attention that even when you think that you got your shit together and that you are in a place where you feel happy, something just doesn’t feel right.  This has been my experience.  I thought I had all of my pearls lined up and that I was finally in a place where I am happy and content with myself.  I finally started seeking help for my anxiety and depression, finally started on my workout journey to become pain free from my fibromyalgia and costochondritis, and I finally got to see all of my family for the holidays (who I haven’t seen some in two year).  However, when I did go back home for the holidays, something hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was something that I never thought about in ages because I kept on suppressing it for years.  But…I finally had the confrontation that I didn’t want…it was my crossroads in my path for life.

I literally felt like I was in a video game where you have been dealt with a decision that could either…A. go in a good direction B. has a consequence if left alone or C. let everything stay the same.  And, what I mean is that I have always been passionate about Theatre and Dance.  I have been in Dance throughout most of my life and I have been in Theatre/Choir for my middle school and high school years.  I have always been my happiest on stage.  But, just like with anything, life got in the way.  It was one of those stories of…picture it…a girl falls in love with boy, follows boy to wherever without thinking about her own desires, and stays in a rut.  That girl was me.  Then, my parents got to me and told me that I need to start thinking about myself and what would make me happy.  Then, while we were down visiting family for the holidays, we went and saw a show.  I got so depressed because I just missed being in the Theatre and Dance world.  So, my husband saw me that I was depressed and we had a long talk.  He asked me why I felt so depressed and I told him that ever since I was in middle school/high school, I always dreamed of being a Theatre or Dance teacher.  I always wanted to still be apart of that community and wanted to be in that director’s chair working on shows or recitals.

I will tell you right now that after so many years of me being insecure with myself, my body image because of all of the events that had transpired before (see some of my earlier posts), being jealous of my friends who are living their dreams, and me just being a stupid, young girl who is in love…I never wanted to fully conquer this confrontation with myself.  I knew that this was what I wanted, but I kept telling myself that, “I wasn’t good enough” or “I would never be a great teacher.”  I had all of these negative thoughts about myself to where I kept pushing away that dream.  But…it finally happened…I finally had to stop telling myself that I can’t and start telling myself that maybe I can.  When my husband listened to me, the first thing he told me was,”if this is your dream, then we will make it happen.”  Y’all, I started crying because it felt like that I broke through something that I held back for so long.  It felt so good to breathe easier and feeling happier that I have all of the support that I needed and that I am ready to go towards my dream.

However, it is still hard to come around to go towards your dreams when you are a mom.  I feel guilty for wanting to do something for myself, but I know I can’t.  If I keep holding myself back, then what am I showing my daughter?  I can’t let her down or my husband down.  I want to show my daughter that you can go for your dreams and that they can come true.  All you need is a little push and support, but anything is possible if you have a dream.  I want to also show her that it’s also okay to fail because you can always get back up and try it again.

So, here I am…got accepted into college and starting soon on becoming what I have been dreaming of…a Theatre and Dance teacher.  However, my point is that I thought I had my shit together a few months ago.  I thought I had everything figured out and that I was content on who I was and where I was going, but it turned out that I was wrong.  I even saw a recent video on my favorite channel that someone that I have admired  had some of those same thoughts about himself.  He never saw the good in him until he started his own channel where he has gotten love and support.  It just goes to show that any of us could be wrong at any given moment in our lives, but that’s okay.  It’s okay to fail because you get to learn more about yourself, about others, and about how to move forward in a clearer direction.  It’s like the quote, “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to Dance in the rain.”  This is my favorite quote.  I am learning to dance in the rain and I will not the excuses get to me.  If anyone is out there still figuring out themselves, you are not alone.  We are all human and we are all learning how to dance in the rain.

As always, I hope you all have a great week and I will see you in the next post!

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Featured In: Personal | February 16, 2019
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Nikki K |

I can so relate to this. My greatest ever passion is acting. When I was younger, I wasn’t living in a country that is much suitable for acting as a teenager. Then I moved to the UK and it’s always about the money! I did manage to do a theatre course however, but starting on what I really want to do seems so unreachable when you don’t have a strong financial background – which I don’t have. And now I’m expecting twins… but I just can’t let go of this, my mind is constantly working on how I could live… Read more »