Moving Forward

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Hi everyone!  This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I have realized that I have never really introduced myself to you all.  So, as I am writing this, there will be some things that are dark, but I am not letting the darkness get to me anymore.  It is time for me to move forward and I have been doing my best to face everything for the past 2 months.  So….here it goes….

My name is Michelle and I have gone through some stuff.  I have had some blessings and I had it better than others, but one thing is for certain that I have been dealing with depression and anxiety.  I am seeing someone about it and actually getting better, but boy….I was in a dark place.

It all started when I was a teenager, I thought that I knew everything.  I thought I was so cool and so hip and I thought I was in love with my boyfriend that I met during a theater production of Cats.  Yes, I created drama with a few boyfriends including this one that I didn’t want to intentionally start and was a little crazy in my teenage years, but I think everyone goes through phase at least once in their life.  Anyway, there was this guy that I thought was the shit and hot.  Then, after a few dates, he took me to the parking lot of an outlet mall and that was my first time.  It hurt like hell, I didn’t really want to forego that adventure, so I said that I think we should stop, but he kept going.  Afterwards, I thought that’s how it’s suppose to be and it didn’t work out between us.

Then, after a few more boyfriends later (and drama), I met the love of my life (aka my husband).  Both he and I were shy and nerdy people that we loved just dating.  He went to Florida to visit with his dad and I missed him like crazy.  So, when he got back, we went and saw the movie Transformers, then we sealed the deal with each other.  Like I said, I just thought that was what people do, so we went for it.  After about a month, I found out, with my mom, that I was pregnant.  I remember being sick to the point where the doctors had to perform a cat scan of my stomach and I had to drink a horrible drink that made me sick.  The doctor called, told my mom to bring me to the OB, took the test, and yep…I was pregnant.  I was 15-16 years old at the time.  All of us were shocked.  My parents were so furious that they told both my husband and me, at the time, that it was either to get an abortion or to put the baby up for adoption.  I was so mad because they were telling me that I couldn’t keep my baby and they were making me make this decision.  After a lot of talks, we decided that we couldn’t bare the thought of someone else raising our child and us not knowing who it went to or where it went, so we opted for the abortion.

So, my parents and I made the appointment and went.  Man…do I remember every single detail.  I was so terrified.  Mainly because I was a teenager and never really grasped of what went on, but I remember being so terrified.  We went in, sat down, and waited for them to call my name.  Then, they did.  They took me into a room where they did an ultrasound and I believe they told me the gender of it just by the heartbeat.  After that, they took me into a doctor’s room and that was all white.  They stuck the needle in me to put me to sleep and the next thing I heard or remembered before passing out was the sucking of the vacuum.  When I woke up, I was in a chair that was in a circle of chairs with some other women.  I felt violated, ashamed, disgusted, and scared.  Finally, we went back home where I recovered so I could go to school the next day.

It’s so hard to think about because I blame myself and I couldn’t believe that I killed my own baby and I hated myself for it.  Before that, all three of us, the baby, my husband, and me bonded over this band named Deathklok, but now I can’t even listen to them without crying.  That put me in such a traumatized and dark state that, to be honest, I didn’t want to move forward, I didn’t want to live, but that would have been too easy, so I moved forward.

But then, some drama and things happened between me and my husband’s step dad that was troubling and turned into such a horrible situation for all of us because of what happened on that day, but we now have talked through everything and got everything out in the open, and we have move forward from that time.

Fast forward to about 5 years ago and both me and my husband moved in together in Houston, TX and we started to live our life.  However, one morning, I started to get these excruciating pain and I remember that there was a lot of blood.  Too much for me to handle, so I went to the emergency room.  That’s when I found out that I had a miscarriage.  I couldn’t believe it because I didn’t know that I was pregnant.  I was also in shock that I have lost another child.  I asked them for a clean up, but they said that they couldn’t because everything was out.  And, to be honest, I didn’t believe that I went through that.  Even our families didn’t believe that I went through that.  I didn’t blame them.  I even laughed it off most times.  But, it wasn’t until I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter that the OB/GYN explained that I did have a miscarriage.  She saw the trauma of the miscarriage and I was asking, “how could that be?” and “I didn’t need a clean up, so it has be a mistake.”  No…she told me that it is common to get cleaned, but there are a few cases that are not uncommon where the baby died early enough to where everything came out at one time.  So, I got back into that dark state because I lost 2 babies and I just couldn’t forgive myself.

Even though I was pregnant, I still couldn’t grasp losing 2 babies.  And, it was discovered that I have a short cervix so that was probably the reason why and my OB also said that usually a pregnancy does end in miscarriage after an abortion.  I felt helpless, but I knew that there was another babe growing inside me and that I needed to be there for this one.  I had surgery to get a stitch in to keep my cervix in place and about 7 months later, I had my beautiful baby girl.  I was still depressed and filled with anxiety because I am finally a mom and holy crap….I AM A MOM!  So, I was stressed out to the max to take care of her while I was depressed about the other 2.  I also had POD that never got treated.  So, I had all of these bombs coming my way, but I was still coming up for air and I was still trying to get my head above water.  I started to feel so bad that I started to get mom guilt because I just wanted to sit and not do anything, I wasn’t happy, I cried a lot, my self esteem was destroyed.

Eventually, the depression and anxiety got worse and worse, but I was still smiling.  It wasn’t until my parents came and told me to stop the bullshit and let us know why you are not happy.  They suggested that I go see someone, so I did and I haven’t looked back since.  Throughout these years of a traumatizing first sexual encounter to my abortion to drama to miscarriage….I lost myself.  I forgot who I was, what I like, basically I was an empty shell.  Now, since I have been seeing a counselor, I am starting to piece myself back together.  I know that everybody’s story is different and that some people doesn’t have a support system.  But, let me tell you that you do have a support system.  I didn’t think I did until all of my family and my husband told me that they are there for me and that they got my back.  I can’t tell you how I felt stupid for letting the darkness consume me and I didn’t think that no one could understand.  I didn’t realize that I do have a support system.

And, honestly, I don’t think I could have gotten this far or would have done it without any of them.  My husband, daughter, and family have been such huge rocks for me that I am forever grateful for them.  I don’t know why I didn’t speak up, but I am now.  I wanted to let everyone know my story and my experiences to hopefully help someone out there who thinks that they are alone.  You are not alone.  Ask for help.  You will get that support system.

So, there you have it, my dark story of who I have been for the past several years now.  But, as of now, I am a goofy, nerdy, loving musical nerd mom who wants to share her stories and share with you all.  My name is Michelle and I am a wife and mom.  I do have mom guilt, I do feel like that sometimes I am not doing my best or being the best wife and mom, but I am trying to put myself first right now where I can be at my best.  I am trying to the best version of myself, so that way I can be there for both my family, my husband, and most of all to my daughter.  I want to be the best role model and I am on my path to get to my goal.

I know that this was dark, but I sure do hope that you enjoyed reading this.  My hope is to help anyone who has gone through loss or has gone through anything traumatizing.  I want you to know that it is okay to speak up, it is okay to ask for help, you are not alone and you will be surprised at what you find at the end of the tunnel.  It could be that support system that you always wanted or for someone to understand what you went through.  Anyway, you are not alone, we are all here, spread kindness, and move forward from the darkness.  Let the light in and don’t let the darkness consume you.  As always, I hope you all have a great weekend and I will see you in the next post!